After reflecting on my frustrations with too many instances of alleged customer service, and how much the very concept had changed since my youth, I developed a composite of the truth of their commonalities. Gotta say, at least AI has been responding with straightforward about its limitations. Still hopeful we can turn this around, but for now, sadly…
“You’ve reached Ultra Snake. Missy Null speaking. May I help you?”
“Yes, Mr. Sucker. Your account number, please. I need to determine which of our scams we are pulling on you before I can answer your question. Just one moment. The computer is accessing your life history, and your payments are current, and the voice analyzer is kicking in … now. OK. Can you verify your telephone number please, in case we need to call and harass you later?”
“Why thank you for lowering your defenses so easily. I see here that you received form nonsense to the 10th power. Do you have that in front of you?”
“Well, you numbskull, please refer to paragraph three, which reads as though you are interpreting it, but in fact, it really means to catch you with your pants down so we can collect our additional 6%”
“I understand, and quite frankly, couldn’t care less that you are being legally cheated. But, I do have an address you can write to about your concerns. We will read your waste-of-time letter, and respond just as we are today. However, the process of the attempting to pretend that you’re not powerless, has proven to have a placebo effect on some.”
“Oh, not at all. It’s the least we can do in exchange for our hand in your pocket, and I mean that. The very least. You see placebos pacify, and therefore benefit Ultra Snake. One moment, please, and I’ll get you that address.
(Musac plays.)
“Mr. Sucker? You mean you withstood that awful music and stayed on the line? You really do wish you had something to do with your life, don’t you? That address is, Anonymous Box, Sucker City, Other State in Yours, Zip Out of Uzi Range. Is there any other way I can lessen your quality of life?”
“Oh, no. Thank you, Mr. Sucker. And remember, we’ve got you by your set at Ultra Snate. The company you can’t trust. We’re on your side, rooting for the other team. Built to fall apart. We do things the old-fashioned way — barbaric-like, with a modern twist. New, but not improved. In fact, worse.
“Duces”